An Open Letter to Santa

Dear Santa;

The Woman says I am not allowed to write a letter to you and put it in the mail. She says there are limits to what she'll do within the scope of her secretarial duties, and letters to Santa from cats are not included in her job description. My blog, however, is one of her duties, so I got her to help me with my letter here. Aren't I a clever Puss, Santa?

Santa, I have been such a good boy this year. Much has been asked of me; I had to change houses again, and it was scary, but I didn't complain. The Baby has become more Person-like. last Christmas he was just a lump that lay on the floor and smelled bad sometimes; now he can chase me around, rub my belly and sometimes pull my hair. I am always nice to him, though. OK, I have yelled a few times when I was in a bad mood anyway, but come on... you can't tell me you never get upset when the elves tug your beard!

I have also recently been asked to endure the indignity of having another cat introduced to my household. He is a big fluffy thing, and he has CLAWS. When we tussle it is not a fair fight, but I have been a very good cat, and I have forgiven The People for doing this to me.

Santa, I don't ask for much. Just a few token gifts to let me know that my efforts to be a Very Good Puss have not gone unnoticed. When you come to leave presents for The Baby, please bring me:

- some treats that I do not have to share with Gus (the aforementioned big fluffy thing). I ALWAYS have to share with him.

- Catnip. For some reason I have been cut off... this may have something to do with my erratic behaviour when I am on the 'nip. That, or the fact that The Woman thinks I am losing brain cells and my remembory, and becoming a Catnip Burnout. Whatever.

- Prosthetic Claws. Gus has very sharp claws. We don't fight much anymore, but when we do, it's just not fair. The Woman has clipped his claws, and that helps a little, but I think the only way to really even things up is to have you bring me some claws of my own. (A set of Ginsu knives would be just as good.)

- A new Crappe Chateau. I am currently sharing with the New Guy, and it's gross. It's getting cleaned more than it used to, but still! Please bring one with a lid, a privacy door, and one of those curvy red velour couches they have in fancy ladies' rooms. That looks cozy!

- Catnip. For some reason I have been cut off... this may have something to do with my erratic behaviour when I am on the 'nip. That, or the fact that The Woman thinks I am losing brain cells and my remembory, and becoming a Catnip burnout. Whatever. (So not true!)

See, Santa? I don't ask for much. Yes, there are other things I'd like... a trip outside with no leash on, a large safe to drop on Gus, my own boudoir... but these are things I can do without (for now). I'm not a greedy Puss, after all. Please bring me these things, and I promise I won't pee in your milk. I mean drink your milk. Yeah, drink...

your friend,

Charlie