Dog-Gone it!

What a week! I haven't had time to write for soooo long. Actually, The Woman hasn't MADE time to write when she's not working, and The Man takes little to no interest in my work. Fool!

Let's see, what have we missed? I'm going to have to review my notes; my memory's not that great. What? Woman, I told you not to use the B-word in reference to me! Catnip burnout, my Arse. IT'S GENETIC! My mother had a very poor memory. I think.

What was I saying? Aah, yes, notes. Hmmmm... oh, here we go. Apparently there's now a website called "HAMSTERster.com", though I really don't know whether this is in any way related to Catster and its mangy cousin, Dogster. Oh, the thoughts that were skittering through my furry little head at THAT news! My top 3 thoughts:

1. I guess "Tasty-Snackster.com" was already taken.

2. Also known as... MENU.

3. Seriously, can we get a mail-order section on there? Pleeeease?

But enough about the tiny treats. More serious happenings have been... happening, and I need to tell about them. Once again, there is a dog involved. Oh, the big yellow fellow has been around a few more times, tied up in the yard, but this is different. You see, we had an OVERNIGHT guest in our house. Here's the story as I understand it:

The Woman and The Baby were out for a drive somewhere outside of town, when The
Woman saw this huge thing standing in the middle of the road. She thought at first that it was a baby moose because of the long legs and big head, but it was, in fact, this MASSIVE puppy. There was no one around, and no cars, and he wasn't wearing a collar. The Woman is a big softie, and she let it get in the car. (I would've been like, "See ya, Pal! Happy Trails, and all that!")

This is where I come back in... I was minding my own business (i.e. picking my back claws with my teeth- or was I picking my teeth with my claws?) when I heard barking in the yard. I went to the door and saw A NEW DOG out there. Can you imagine? I felt my eyes get very big as I watched from behind the door. And then I went to bed. Well, what else was I gonna do about it? Yeesh...

Not long after that, I decided to get up for a snack. The bedroom door was shut, so I yelled to come out. The Woman said, "I don't think you want to do that, Puss!" but she let me out, anyway. And there, right in MY living room, was this huge gangly-lookin' PUPPY. Well, like a year old, anyway. Well, I puffed up my fur and arched my back, because I'm VERY intimidating when I do that. The Woman said I looked like a "Porky-Pine," which I think means that I looked like a fat Christmas tree. Wench. The Dog was impressed, however, and he didn't try to chase me.

He spent the night in MY bedroom, too. He wasn't bad, I guess- I had to hiss at him a few times when he got a little too sniffy, but he knew who was boss. I wasn't sad, though, when The Man took him to the something... I don't know where he went, actually, because The People kept spelling the name of it in front of me. What does "S-P-C-A" spell? Anyway, that's where he went, and The Woman told me that he'll either find his own People there or find a new family. I think she was a little sad to see him go, actually. People are so weird.

So today I'm just hangin' out, catching up on my beauty rest- not that I need it. At least THAT craziness is over! Maybe now things can get back to normal around here.

A Battle of Wills


Yeah, I know. If you read today's Catster diary entry, you're fully aware of the situation. I'm covering the same ground here because I'm STILL PISSED OFF. She just did it again. Grrrr.

For those of you who don't know what's going on, The Woman and I are currently engaged in a Battle of Wills. I want her to be awake with me at night, and she wants to sleep. This is a problem. I was happy with how things were going, actually; The Baby has been sleeping ALL NIGHT LONG ( the traitor), but for a few nights I was managing to get The Woman up once or twice a night. She thought I needed food, and for some reason she got all mad and grumbly when she found out that I already had food in my dish. Um, hello?!! I just want some company while I'm eating, Woman. No need to get testy.

Now that she has figured out that I'm getting her up for what she considers a "non-life threatening" situation, she has begun attempts to not get out of bed. The big bully has resorted to water guns already on several occasions, but I cleverly thwarted her plans by yelling from beyond squirting range. Unfortunately, she then shut me out of the bedroom, so I had to yell LOUDER to get her up. She wants to use ear-plugs, but (oops!) then she won't hear The Baby if he wakes up. Sucker!!!

What's really ticking me off, though, is her new plan. She has started waking me up during the day. At first I thought this was simply revenge, and she does seem to get some sick satisfaction from singing "Wake up, Puss!" in a horrible voice. I have come to realize, however, that it goes beyond this. She is trying to change my sleep schedule; she wants me to be awake during the day so I'll be tired at night. As if! Is this not the cruelest thing you've ever heard?!! I require immediate legal representation.

So far she's losing the battle. I've been sneaking off for naps at every opportunity, even resorting to sleeping on the bathroom floor once when I was shut out of the bedroom. Can you imagine? Me, Charles de la Puss, sleeping on the BATHROOM FLOOR! ugh! Anyway, desperate times call for desperate measures, and I will prevail.

The Woman says she's not being mean; she's letting me have naps, but not sleep for 5 hours at a time during the day like I want to. I say she is being mean, so I am, in return, not letting her sleep 7 hours at a time at night like she wants to.

I may have to kill her. I don't want to do it, but if she doesn't let me get some sleep, I'm going to go mad. I mean, how inconsiderate is it to wake a guy up when he's trying to sleep?!!

Some People...

Luke and LOVE

So ever since The Woman went Back To Work (hisssss!), she hasn't had a lot of time to read my Catster friends' diaries to me. She went to my buddy Luke's diary today, and he's been writing about me! I know you'll want to check this out; what could be a more interesting topic to write about than moi? The most recent one mentioned that I was a diary pick of the day, and an earlier one mentions my quest to become President of the World and asks for help from the Catster elite. What a guy, eh? Did I mention that he's my campaign manager, too?

The Woman is not going to tell The Man about this, as he will only shake his head and mutter something about "Crazy cat people..."

Speaking of The Man, he is really warming up to me these days- but don't tell him I said that, either. Every evening when he's sitting in his chair I hop up and either lie on his chest (paws on chest, butt on lap) or curl up on his lap. He said the sweetest thing to me yesterday; he said "Go away Charlie, I don't want you yet."

Did you catch that? He said he didn't want me yet. This would seem to indicate that he would want me later. It was practically a declaration of LOVE!!! Purrr!

Down the Rabbit Hole

Weird stuff has been happening around here, and I swear I haven't even been playing with my Catnip mousie at all.

Last night The Woman came in the door from work (that horrible thing she seems to think is more important than my blog and diary) and she had THINGS on her head. Now, she claims that these were there when she left, but I don't remember that- possibly because I was sleeping at the time. Anyway, when she came in I was just minding my business, sitting on the chair beind The Man while he lifted his "dumbell" (funny, I thought the dog was the dumbell). Then I saw her and I FREAKED OUT. The Woman thought I looked funny; my eyes were wide, my pupils huge, and the fur on my back was standing up as I crept back and forth on the chair behind The Man. I was keeping my eye on those head-things, let me tell you! She took them off and called me a "poor Puss" as she showed me that they were just furry pretend cat-ears that she was wearing for work. Who the HELL pretends to be a cat?!! I mean, I understand feline envy and all that, but to actually wear ears and a tail while continuing to walk on 2 big, clumsy legs? That's just weird. In any case, I calmed down after she cuddled me for a minute (without the ears on her head!), and she promised that she won't wear them in the house any more.

Then this morning there was a knock at the door; this is not unusual, as sometimes a man brings lovely boxes and leaves them for me to sniff. Today, though, there were no boxes. Instead, this guy just comes waltzing in and heads for the bathroom. The bathroom! I was not pleased. I followed him to make sure he wasn't up to anything, and I gave his big, blue bag a thorough sniffing. Smelled weird... He was crouched beside the bathtub for a few minutes, and then he went back to his bag- he almost caught me spying, but I was too quick for him, and I hightailed it to the kitchen and acted casual, like I wasn't doing anything special at all. He left after a while, and he took his bag of strange smells with him. Now there's a new thing on the pipe where The Woman had put silver tapey-stuff a few days ago.

People do the strangest stuff!

VOTE FOR CHARLIE

OK, so I finally got around to entering myself in the World's Coolest Cat Show on Catster. I'm entered in the "Sitting" "Playful" and "Captivated" categories so far, so feel free to just head on over and vote for me. I think you need a Catster or Dogster account to vote, but you don't have to have a cat or dog to have an account, so get your cute little tushie over there and Vote 5 Paws for MEEEE!

Because we all know that I am, in fact, the World's Coolest Cat.

http://www.catster.com/show06/

*Mrowl!*

I think The Man and I are OK again. He's talking to me, anyway. Last night he even played with me for a while, so today I was following him around and rubbing on him- just to show that there are no hard feelings about his overreaction to that scratching thing. He can't seem to figure out why I like him so much; it's because he consistently ignores me, and what cat can resist THAT?

This morning The Woman was laughing at me so hard she was actually crying, and it made me angry. All I was doing was sitting in front of the TV, minding my own business and watching Sesame Street. I like that "Grover" fellow quite a lot- I went and started watching when he came on, but then I left when the show went on to something else. I'm not a fan of that "Elmo"caracter, though- his voice makes my ears go back and my fur stand up. I understand People have a similar reaction to nails on a "chalkboard" (whatever that is...). Grover's cool, though. So yeah, The Woman laughed at me, and The Man just shook his head and called me a nut.

Last night my friend Jenny came to visit me again. I felt bad about giving Chris a massage last time but not her, so I stood up and buffed my paws on her leg when she was getting ready to go. I would have done it earlier... if I hadn't been sleeping in the bedroom most of the evening. She likes me, my Jenny does. I don't want to go to her house, though; she smells like Other Cats when she comes over. Apparently one of them, Lenny, looks like me- lucky kitten! He must be very handsome.

I was going to say something else, but I have completely forgotten what it was. What's that? No, Woman, my brain has not been fried by catnip! Oh, I remember now. See? I'm fine... I was going to gloat over being a Catster Diary Pick of the Day. Yes, my considerable talents are once again being recognized and appreciated. Purr! Very Purr!

The Daily Mews

Front Page:
Eeek! I was looking out the door last night, because my friends Chris and Jenny were coming over to see me. Suddenly there was A CAT looking in at me! Startled the daylights out of me, that's fur sure! The Woman said it looked like my reflection in the window, because it was RIGHT THERE. Then I ran away.

Foreign Affairs:
That dog is back. OK, he's gone now, but he was back for a few hours yesterday... weird.

Lifestyle:
Tips on hosting: We had company last night, and I gave my friend Chris a very nice massage. OK, so I was really sort of just buffing my paws on his back to ask for attention... whatever, I was being a good host.

Sports:
Victory is mine! Last night I found a plastic bag and I ate some of it, and then I barfed it up (along with some nasty tummy juices!) on the kitchen floor, and THE WOMAN STEPPED IN IT! It was all cold by then, too. That's gotta be worth at least 10 points.

Travel:
I almost made it to the summit of the stairs today while The Woman was doing laundry. I got through the door and was half-way up the stairs when she grabbed my tail and hauled my fuzzy butt back down. Then she tossed me into the kitchen. So close!

Politics:
I got NO turkey AT ALL this Thanksgiving. This injustice will not go unpunished!

Boxes and Boxes and Boxes...

Strange happenings are... uh, happening in my house today. Some of The Baby's things are being packed up in little boxes, and I think the intention is for them to leave the house, as they are near the door. These are things that I have neither seen nor smelled for a few months, as they have been in slightly larger boxes in The Baby's closet, but I still don't like this development. The last time I saw things being put into boxes was when we changed houses altogether; if that's what's happening, I'm not going. I've had enough of that "Moving" crap, and I'll stay right here, thank you very much. Bring my crummy kibble by and give me love a few times a day. I'll be fine... *sigh*

Actually, this seems to be different from Moving. There are only a few things in boxes, and The Man isn't in nearly as bad a mood as he always is when there is Moving happening. It's best to stay out of is way at those times. No, I really think it's just the clothes that are going; The Woman has been on the computer (but not for my stuff), and she says there's a Bay of E that the clothes are going to sail away on. Whatever- it makes no sense, but as long as I don't have to go anywhere, it's fine by me. Just get the boxes out of my living room, and let's get back to normal, OK? Or whatever passes for normal in this loony bin...

Speaking of The Baby, he was trying to give me love yesterday- if you read my Catster diary, you already know this. Sorry. I was asking for it; I was sleeping on the rocking chair in the living room instead of the bed, and the chair is just the right height for him to pull up on 2 feet (traitor!) and see me. He was kind of smacking me, and I was trying to kill him with nasty glares, but he seems to be immune. It's just as well, I suppose; The Man and The Woman seem to be rather fond of the little chap. The Woman came along and showed him how I like to be rubbed, and he seemed to be trying to be gentle, though he's still not great at controlling those little flailing limbs. At least he tried. And then he buried his face in my fur, which doesn't do much for me, but it's kind of cute...

Deep In It

Friends, I am in the deepest ka-ka poopie ding-dang-dung I have ever been in, EVER. The Man is plotting my death as we speak, and this for something that happened yesterday morning. He has never stayed mad this long before... Usually I've at least got a grudging head rub or "Hey, Puss" from him by this point.

Is this the end of Charles de la Puss?

Oh, you're probably wondering what happened. Well, it was 6:30 in the morning; this means nothing to a cat, of course, I just put that in for the benefit any People who might be reading. I was up in the window over the bed (more specifically, I was on the window ledge, not technically in the window. Just thought I'd clarify that issue). I decided to go back to bed as there was nothing exciting going on out there, so I poked my head around the curtain and jumped down.

And landed on The Man's head.

I've landed on him before, but I think this was the first head-landing. I don't know what happened- I must have slipped. Too bad my back foot (which still has claws) landed on his forehead... and I jumped off him... and scratched him.

It was an accident! You can bet I ran away FAST when he started saying things that The Woman says I'm not allowed to repeat here. His head was bleeding, you see, and apparently Cat scratches sting. A lot. He got up to clean his head (and try to kill me, but I was nowhere to be seen. I'm not stupid!) and The Woman gave him some goop to put on the cut. It went right across the top of his nose, between the eyebrows, and I got his eyelid a bit, too.

Well, what the heck was he doing just lying there with his face right under the window, anyway? HE was in MY way! It was his own fault, really. Still, I can't help feeling a little bit responsible for the jagged red scratch that's on his face today. I tried to tell him that it actually looks really tough and cool, like he got into the world's tiniest knife fight, but he's not listening to me right now.

You guys know I would never have done that on purpose, right? I'm kind of fond of the big guy. Plus, he's WAY bigger than me! I'm so sad now... he doesn't love me anymore, and The Woman was mad- not because I was mean (she knows I'm not), but for doing something so "stupid" and making The Man mad at me. She's trying to give me lots of love to make me feel better, but it's not helping. OK, maybe it's helping a little. But not much.

Jeez Louise!!!

I think I had a small heart attack this morning.

Woman! Check my pulse! CARE FOR MEEEEE!!! *Woe!* *Mrowwwwl!*

Yeah, I got a big fright this morning when I jumped off the bed; The Woman had just got back into bed after being up with The Baby* and I decided it was time for a little snack- yes, Cat Chow, the same friggin' thing I've been eating for over a year now... Anyway, I jumped off the bed and when I landed, there was this big SQUEEEE-KEEEE! noise beneath me.

I nearly pooped outside the box, let me tell you!

That SQUEEEE-KEEEE! sent me streaking off to the kitchen, otherwise known as "That Place That Is As Far Away From The Squeaky Noise As Possible." I then spent about 15 minutes freaking out, running around and tripping up The Man, who was trying to get ready for work. He was not very understanding about the squeaky thing, let me tell you!

When I finally caught my breath (and my heart resumed beating at something resembling a regular pace), I went back to bed. The Woman was lying on her chest (finally being done laughing at me... wench!) , so I made myself comfortable on her bottom and went to sleep. You know, it's even squishier and comfier** than her chest! But then The Baby cried, and she got up... You know, I'm starting to think that kid gets more attention than I do. I'll have to investigate this. Later, though; I'm going to bed, now. That's it- bed rest is certainly in order!

Oh, and in case you're wondering, I still have NO idea what made the noise. It's still out there somewhere...


*Apparently The Baby is planning on growing up and not being a Baby forever. What am I supposed to call him? The Toddler? Maybe I'll name him...

** I have nothing relevant to add here. I just really enjoy footnotes. And you just keep reading... [insert evil laugh here] Suckers... I love you so!

We Are Currently Experiencing Technical Difficulties. Please Stand By.

Dang it.

Have I told you about the Great Conspiracy against me? It's a doozie, let me tell you. There are many facets to the G.C., and one of them involves preventing the composition and publication of my messages, be they diary entries, blogs, or answers to questions. The latest attack comes in the form of computer malfunction, which effectively prevents all communications. Well played, conspirators. Well played.

The first problem is with the letter "H" on the keyboard. Obviously it's not totally malfunctional, or I'd be saying things like "tis computer ere as no "" or noting." Then I would sound like a big Newfie, which I am only by association.* Except then "tis" would be pronounced "dis"... Aw, crap, my train of thought derailed again. Just a sec.

OK, so the H is working, but not consistently. Sometimes The Woman has to hit it 2 or 3 times to get 1 H, and that just slows tings down. There, see that? See it? Conspiracy.

The other thing that They're doing is not letting us on the computer AT ALL. Sometimes it shuts down in the middle of my writing time, and other times it won't start up at all. The Woman says it's because the power cord is loose, and the computer loses power even though she's used about 3 rolls of duck tape to hold it on. Or something like that. I didn't see any ducks, and I didn't know they could fix computers, but whatever. The Woman does weird things sometimes, and I choose not to ask questions.

So there you have it. I don't know who's behind this Conspiracy, but I intend to find out. It's connected to the plot to keep me out of the Upstairs House, I'm sure, and out of various Mysterious Rooms.

I'll keep you posted.



*At this time The Woman would like to officially distance herself from any and all comments Charlie makes about Newfoundland and/or its people.