Man, some weird stuff as been going on around here. First of all, just let me get this confession out of the way: I have been extremely affectionate the last 3 nights or so. In my defense, just let me say that it has been very cold outside at night this week. The Woman seems to think that this should not affect me, since I stay indoors and tey finally turned the heater on in the bedroom- I say that's my story and I'm sticking to it. Between you and me, though, I've been feeling kind of... cuddly. Yes, I have found myself climbing onto The Woman's chest in the middle of the night and staying for a cuddle. What can I say? She has many faults, but she gives great ear massages. As to why I stay when she's asleep... that I cannot answer at this time.

That's not the weird thing, though. A few nights ago The Man was playing the New Game with me, throwing the ball around. It went on top of some boxes that are piled on the chair, and I jumped up after it; the whole she-bang came tumbling down, Puss and all. How embarrassing! I wasn't hurt, except for my pride. How was I supposed to know the boxes only had packing peanuts in them? I quickly distanced myself from the scene, but I think The People know it was me... mostly because they watched it happen. After that, though, is when things got a little odd.

I noticed The Man's sweatshirt hanging on this chair-coat rack thinger, as it often does. For some reason, though, it smelled AMAZING. Any cat reading this might know ow sometimes People's shoes smell so good that you just have to stick your furry little noggin in there and take a whiff, and you get totally stoned off it. Well, it was kind of like that. I think the People were getting freaked out because I was sniffing with my mouth open; yeah, it was that good. Later I attempted to write a draft for a blog entry, and this is what I came up wit:

Is gleeber ful of snirt wen I has wit ball n i flew up box, well i snirt in purpl fleenin!
AGjskjadhausbbb. Ha ha ha! o im ful of flaggin tinite. Hi as a kte i em in gleft. Wheee!

You get the idea. I have a feeling this is how Lewis Carroll did most of his work.

So that was my weird night. I tried to smell the shirt again yesterday, but The Man took it away before I got very nutty. Dang. He took it to work with him, too, and now I can't find it. Big Meanie...

Come See the Softer Side of... Charles

They say that with great power comes great responsibility, and friends, it's true. I have this advice column on Catster: Charlie Shares the Wisdom. I was answering a lot of questions there for a while, and then there were none; I'm pretty sure that my Very Great Wisdom solved everyone's problems, so there were no questions left to ask. Well, not until last night, anyway...

I went back to check on things, just to make sure that no more questions had come up, and there was one from a kitty who recently went to the Rainbow Bridge... the question being posted via a "medium friend," of course. Apparently this kitty was sick but never let on until it was too late for anything to be done, and her mommy had to let her go... The Woman was crying as she read this. Echo's question to me was to ask if I could make her mommy feel better, less guilty about what happened.

Talk about great responsibility! I usually like to throw a little humour into my responses, joke a little while sharing my great wisdom. Not this time... this was so sad! Now, anyone who knows me knows that I don't like to show my soft side; in fact, the only time I'm prepared to roll over and show my belly is if you're going to rub it. And then I will purr. Mmmm... belly rubs...

[Charlie goes and flops beside The Baby, asking for belly rubs.]

Sorry- got distracted there! Anyway, this was serious, and there really wasn't much I could say; only time really makes the hurt fade away. I tried to tell Echo's mommy that she shouldn't feel guilty, that she'd done everything she could... what else is there to say? I even let The Woman put her 2 cents in, hopng that she could add something. She is not, of course, as wise as I am, and I would normally never allow this... I just hope we helped a little.

*sigh*... it's not easy being brilliant.

New Game! Hooray!

Charlie is SO loving The Man right now. In fact, Charlie is so excited that he feels a strong need to refer to himself in the third person today. Want to know why? OK! CHARLIE WILL TELL YOU!!!

Sorry... Charlie got a little excited there... breathe, Charlie, breathe...

OK, that's better. As I was saying (yes, I'm that calm), The Man is my new Best Friend. Again. Last night The Woman was at work, and The Man invented a new game for me. Actually, he refers to it as "a new way of breaking the Puss' head," but hey, po-TAY-toes/ po-TAH-toes, right? He got a soft, plushy little ball and started bouncing it off the bedroom door and catching it.

That's it. That's the game.

OK, so it doesn't sound that exciting when it's in print, but trust me: This is an AMAZING game! My head was whipping back and forth so fast it almost fell off a couple times, and then I got so worked up that I started chasing the ball. It was like a giant bug or bird flying around! It was GREAT!!!

We showed this new game/ head breaking* to The Woman when she came home. She laughed, and the ball went behind the TV and got lost- I'm not sure whether the two were related. I would go get it, but that would be too much like fetching now, wouldn't it?

*By the way, "breaking the Puss' head" refers to messing with my brain, not a physical breaking of said fuzzy little head. No need to get excited, folks... unless you're chasing the ball. Then it's OK to be excited. How could you NOT be?

Gone... All Gone...

Well, that's it. No more dog. I'm no closer to solving this one than I am to returning to the magical land of Upstairs to do more exploring. Speaking of which, it's laundry day today. Maybe there's hope for that one, after all! Anyway, when I woke up this morning (at 11:30- it was an early morning for me) and looked out the door, the big guy was nowhere to be seen. His house is still there, of course, but that's always been there. His rope is still there, too, but he's not tied to the end of it. Weird...

At least now the only noisy animals waking The People up at night will be me and The Baby!

Speaking of night, last night was purr-fectly wonderful. After The Man went to bed I climbed up and lay down on his chest for a few minutes. He ignored me, of course, but The Woman thought it was just adorable that I was being cuddly, so she rubbed my head. Honestly, she is so easy to manipulate, it's not even funny. When I sensed that The Man was going to move me, I moved over and lay on The Woman's chest for a while, until I had got enough love.

Just to clarify: I am not becoming an affectionate cat. I just needed to have my ears rubbed, and sitting on People is the easiest way to get that done. All clear on that? Good. I wouldn't want to give the wrong impression here. *Ahem...*

Well, The Baby just went to bed, so The Woman will probably be doing the same soon. She's been napping a lot since she started leaving me to go to work. I guess that means it's back to bed for me, too... gosh, I've been up nearly half an hour already! Where does the time go?

Later!

There he is... He's freakin' huge! Not as big as MY dog was... but pretty big. Like the picture? I couldn't get any closer, as I'm not allowed to go out into that big, beautiful yard by myself (grrr!). That's why I have decided to help you out by circling THE DOG in red on this picture. See him?

He was barking a lot last night. The Woman went outside, and she said the had to untangle him from the trees, and then he stopped barking. I guess that's because then he could get to his silly little cottage. You don't see cats having houses outside much, do you? I guess that's because we know how to find shelter when we need it. Not that I'd mind a little condo or something for myself. Yeah... then The People would be more like neighbors than housemates. Of course, then I'd have to come all the way back for food and love. Never mind, that would be too much effort. I'll stick with sleeping on the bed, thanks.

The Baby was patting me and examining my feet this morning. Odd child.

INTRUDER ALERT! DANGER! DANGER!


Holy Hairballs! There's a dog in my yard!

I am FREAKING OUT. This is not a dog I am familiar with; it is a big yellow one with floppy ears and a black nose. I have been secretly watching from the front door, and I don't think he's noticed me yet. The Woman was laughing at me (again) because she frightened me while I was peeking out, and I flipped out and did my pinball routine all over the house. I got her back, though; she tried to have a nap while The Baby was asleep, and I yelled and yelled until she got up and threw something at me. Yeeeah, take THAT!

WHAT is going on here? We haven't had a dog for months now, and even when we did, this wasn't it. Is it to be my dog? If so, why is it tied up outside? If not, what the heck is it doing in my yard? My People keep going out and talking to it (they call it "Champ"... or "Chimp," I couldn't really hear), but they have made no move to bring it inside. This is probably because dogs tend to be very smelly and messy. Oh, I know they can be nice, but I think even dog people (or dog cats) will admit that they stink. A lot.

Oh, and speaking of intruders, the little grey cat has been hanging out in my yard again. I don't know what she wants. Last time she was here The People got frustrated by the yowling she and her posse (puss posse?) were doing in the middle of the night. I don't like intruders, interlopers, or any other disruptive things that begin with the letter "i". At least the dog should keep her away...

I guess until I find out what's going on here, I'll just keep an eye on things from my spot at the door. Wish me luck!

Various Administrivia

First of all... why the HELL is there an ad for DOG joint pain relief on MY PAGE?!! Of course the poor brutes don't deserve to be in pain, but is this really the most appropriate place to push pills for it? I think not.

Secondly... leave me some freakin' comments, OK? Short of mailing me catnip or actually coming to my house to rub my belly, this is the nicest thing you can do for Charles. The Woman reads comments to me, as well as all PawMails that come in to my Catster account. And I purr for them.

Third... I got nothin'. I just thought three sounded like a good number of things to say. Leedle-deedle-dee! Tra-la-la! Mrow!

Mmmmm... Pants!


Well, well! Things have been becoming FAR more interesting in the last few days!

For example, yesterday I was mad because The Man and The Woman messed up my bed, but then later The Woman had a nap, and I decided to knead her hair. it was sweeeeet. She didn't even try to move around too much, so I didn't have to tell her off in a loud and angry voice.

Today she went to work again, which was upsetting, but I was happy after she came home. Not because she was home, of course; I was happy because her pants smelled REALLY good! She was sitting in a chair, and I came over and put my paws on her, and then I rubbed my head all over her leg and LICKED HER PANTS. That's right, I licked 'em.

The Woman doesn't seem to know why I love her pants. I don't either, but man, oh, man... those are some excellent pants!

I have to go smell them again, now. I can't wait until she gets changed; maybe she'll leave them on the floor, and I can roll all over them and SLEEP ON THEM!!! Hooray!

I have nothing interesting to write about today. My agenda consisted of the following:

-sleep on the end of the bed until disrupted by the making of said bed.

-yell at the disruptor and leave in a huff.

-yell at The Woman in the kitchen because my food has been put on the counter. Continue yelling until I am also put on the counter.

-go back to bed.

-crappe chateau break- wonder why they don't put a nice poster or some news clippings on the wall for me to look at.

-back to bed.

-bath time- serenade The Woman and The Man with Cello* Concerto in the key of Ass. Wonder why they are laughing.

-nap time.

That brings us to now... I just yelled at The Woman to let me out of the bedroom, where I've been sleeping for what... 4, 5 hours, now?

Life is rough...

*note to the uninitiated: When a cat is washing his bottom or thigh with a leg stuck straight up in the air, toes pointed? That's "playing the cello," because apparently that's what it looks like we're doing. I don't get it, but there you go.

Hooray!

Oh, Joy! Oh, Bliss! The Woman and The Baby have returned to me! Not that I'm happy to see them, of course, it's just that I'm glad that my routine will be returning to normal now. Ahem.

Yes, they have come home to Charles. They came in smelling of luggage and strangers, but I was happy anyway. The Baby has been giving me lots of love- I think the little critter really missed me! He's been crawling after me and petting me, rubbing his head in my fur and saying "Na Na!" I'm not really sure what that last has to do with me, but I'm sure it means something nice. The Woman scooped me up as soon as she came in the door; I allowed her to hold me for a minute, but then I remembered that a cat is supposed to punish a Person who has been away, so I proceeded to behave in an aloof manner for a good 8-10 minutes... and then I gave in. Come on, I've been wanting much love for a week, now. I'm not gonna play hard to get forever!

She didn't bring me a souvenir, though.
Grrr.

*Sigh...*

OK, so not much has changed in the last few days. The Woman and The Baby are still gone away from me, and The Man still has to go to work all the time. I'm still yelling at him, but I haven't felt a need to pee on the bed again- I think that's a relief to both of us!

The good news is that The Man is trying to pay lots of attantion to me, even though he says I'm being very needy and irritating. A few days ago we were playing with my lovely fishing-rod-toy-with-the-feathers-and-the-bell-on-it, and he left to get something from the kitchen... by the time he got back, I was passed out on the floor. He wore me right out! He has tried to give me much love, but I still miss having my whole family here.

Oops- did I just call the humans my family? I'd better watch that...

Stressed

I did a bad, bad thing yesterday. I don't even know why I did it. OK, I know why I did it, but I don't know why that's what I did. Do you follow? No? OK, let me explain...

It's all because The Woman and The Baby went away. They've been gone for about 4 sleeps now, I think (I lose count after 2), and I'm not very happy about it. As a cat, I am opposed to change in any form, and this is a biggie. I'm used to having them around most of the time- oh, they might go out for a walk or go to the store (and maybe bring me some treats!), but they always come back. Now they don't seem to be coming back, and they're not in their beds... I just don't like it. The Man goes to work, and I'm all alone. I'd normally sleep the day away on the bed anyway, but it's always nice to know there's someone there to give me love if I should suddenly need some.

I've been yelling at The Man even more than I usually do. I mean, I always enjoy yelling at him- it bugs him, and it I stare at him while I do it, he gets really freaked out, and that's just funny! But I'm just so stressed these days... yesterday when The Man came home from work, he went into the bedroom to change, and I... well, I peed on the bed. Just yelled at the man and let loose. I probably don't need to tell you that he was even more pissed off than the bed was pissed on. He yelled, and I ran away. I heard him tell The Woman on the phone that he's going to kill me for real this time, not just threaten it like he usually does. He's calmed down a little now, but he's not being real friendly.

It's a cat thing, I guess. We can't talk about what's stressing us out (well... most of us can't, anyway), so we do weird stuff. You know how it is; I know that sometimes when People get stressed, they just want to start yelling or doing some irrational thing. It's the same for us, except we get really cranky, or we start pulling our fur out, or we pee in places we're not supposed to. I didn't have any other way to tell The Man that I was upset. I don't understand what he says when he talks about The Woman coming home. How long is "a week?" What means "soon?"

I'm confused, and I'm sad, and I'm a little frightened that she's not coming back. And I want The Man to love me again...

Abandoning Charles

She's leaving me. The Woman is packing her bags, and she's going to leave poor, poor Charlie. What did I do wrong? Is it because I wake her up during the night more often than The Baby does? Is it because I yell incessantly for no reason? No, that can't be it...

I know where she's going. She's taking The Baby to Ontari-ari-ari-o to see the fam-bily. That's where I'm originally from, you know- the Big O. Eh, but that's another story. Actually, that's something I said I'd never speak of again... give me money and/ or catnip, and we'll see what I can do for ya.

There are two suitcases on the bed, and she didn't even have the courtesy to leave them open so I could sleep on the nice, soft clothes that are in them. Grrrr.

The worst part is, The Man is going to be going to work almost every day while they're gone. What am I going to do all day with no one here to give LOOOOVE to poor Charlie? I guess I'll just have to wake The Man up more at night to give me some rubbins and head scratches.

After I hide the water guns, of course...

Actually, I take that back. The WORST part is that she's not going to be here to do my typing for me. HELLO?!! This is kind of IMPORTANT! Didn't she think of this before she planned the trip? Yeesh, get your priorities straight, Woman. I'll try to get on here and do it myself if I can, but The Man probably won't leave the computer on for me when he's at work... he doesn't think of these things. Again... PRIORITIES, PEOLPE!

Ne Paw de Claw

I am a cat of the world. I have had many adventures in my short time on this planet, and I plan to have many more before I return to the Mother-ship. What, that's where we go, isn't it? The Woman called me a 'space cadet', so I just assumed...

What was I saying? Oh, right- adventures. Several of them have been very unpleasant, and have involved trips to the V.E.T. (The Woman always spells it like that when I'm around- like I don't know what she's talking about!). Things have been done to me, and I DON'T LIKE IT. They stick me with needles, they poke at my belly, and they say horrible things like "try to get a urine sample" and "give him a dose twice a day." Ick! I've had to have "oper-ray-shuns" too, and they were the WORST! One thing they did was (to borrow a phrase from my friend Rerun) remove my "man junk". Man, was I pissed! You go to sleep whole, you wake up and you're a nut with no nuts! (thanks to Hayley for that one) Grrrr. I guess it's OK, though; I don't even miss my bits anymore. The Woman has explained to me why it has to be done, and I've come to accept it. I've heard the crazy cats yowling in the yard many nights this summer, and I have no desire to join them. Plus, who needs to worry about the kitten-support payments?!! Not me, that's fur sure!

Another thing that happened to me, though, was that my claws got cut off, and those I do miss. A lot. That (and the eunuch-ization) happened before I knew my current People, but it still affects me. The good mews is that I can still hunt; even without my front claws, you couldn't find a better mouser than me. I have some very embarrassing problems, though, which I'm only going to tell you about because we're friends, OK? I'm a clumsy cat. OH, THE SHAME!!! I can't jump up onto a table (or counter... or window sill...) without sliding all the way across, taking out anything in my path. The People call me a "clumsy, Clouseau-esque puss," but they say it lovingly. I also have trouble jumping up to high places, because I can't grip on, and then I fall to the floor, THUMP, and pray no one was watching. The worst part is, my puffy-paws are still very sensitive. It hurts me to jump over the baby gate or down from a high place, and I usually ask for help to do it. I know, it's shameful; a cat needing help from People! But that's the way it is.

Oh, I get by alright without the ends of my toes. Yeah, they too the whole last section of my toes, right after the joint. You can see how that might affect a guy's balance! I'm a happy guy, and obviously I survived my days on the mean streets of Burlington, ON without my claws. I miss them, though. I guess my first People had reasons for what they did, but I wish they'd have trimmed my claws or put those snazzy claw-covers on (not the pink ones, though- Lord, not the PINK ONES!!!). Declawing is illegal in lots of countries- they say it's not nice, like clipping a dog's ears or tail to make them look pretty. I don't know- I'm just one cat. I'm just saying what happened to me.

If you want more information on declawing, check out www.declawing.com If your feline friends are already declawed, I don't want to make you feel bad; just don't make fun of us for being a little clumsy, OK? We're already embarrassed enough!

Jeez, that was depressing. How 'bout a joke? OK, here you go: A dog walked into a bar, and he was like, "ouch!" Get it? He waled into it, 'cause dogs are STUPID! HA HA HA HA!

That's better. PURRRRR....